wavemaster
4-02-02, 06:57 AM
Okay - it´s a bit older, I guess, but I´ve stumbled over it just today and think it´s still pretty funny:
Windows 95 on the U.S.S. Enterprise
Stardate 1995: Starfleet Command has given the order to the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise to test the new drive system "Windows 95" which is promising a great future.
Here are the last entries from the logbook...
"Sulu, set course for the floppy drive. Scotty, prepare the harddrive for the new "Windows 95". Chekov, keep the installation diskettes ready...we have to do some pretty difficult maneuvering."
"But Captain, do you really want to install the new system? If we integrate the Windows-code in a real 32-bit-multitasking-environment, we are risking a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"This was an order, Scotty!"
"Aye, Captain, but the system is not yet fully tested and needs at least one more Beta-test."
"Scotty, we´re already in it. Chekov, how´s the process going on with the installation diskettes?"
"We have reached Disk 5, Sir."
"Well. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It seems to have a kind of own intelligence. Obviously, Windows 95 is checking the hardware automatically and adapts itself then."
"Spock, can you explain then why it is that the Microsoft soundcard which used to run under Windows 3.1 without problems won´t respond anymore?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it work with a Pro-Audio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Soundblaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I´m a doctor and no hardware specialist."
"Spock, abort the installation of the Microsoft-soundcard, activate the Pro-Audio Spectrum. Chekov, abort the installation of the software. Sulu, restart the system. Reboot!"
"Chekov? "
"We have just reached the Desktop-zone, Sir."
"Captain, it won´t keep on any longer. 15 sectors more, and the machines will blow up!"
"Scotty, we haven´t already started yet."
"Sulu, set Task 1. Send the readme.txt on the Notepad-display."
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait...creat a shortcut for readme.txt and place it on the Desktop-zone, we will navigate there soon."
"Okay, Sir."
"Spock?"
"Obviously, a hardware conflict occured, Sir. The Pro-Audio Spectrum-16 won´t respond - neither the sound nor the SCSI. Strange."
"Deactivate the card, Spock."
"I beg your pardon, Sir. It is not possible to stop the SCSI without deactivating the soundcard. It is also not possible to deactivate the soundcard without stopping the SCSI."
"Captain! An enemy ship approaches!"
"Hmmm, do we have enough time to make the systems running?"
"No, Sir, the ship is already within visible range."
"Uhura? Lieutenant Uhura!"
"All frequencies were already scanned, Sir. I´m trying to get a display, but the system is awful slow."
"Scotty, what happens down there?"
"The machines are running perfectly, Captain, but the 16-bit-GDI-Module can only handle one process after another."
"Spock, do whatever you can do there."
"It seems to be a ship of the IBM-class, Captain...equipped with Warp-drive!"
"Display the ship on the monitor, Chekov."
"Aye, aye, Sir."
"Spock, the enemy ship approaches with high velocity. Audio is required."
"Negative, Captain. Can´t locate the directory."
"Bones?"
"I´m a doctor, no beta-tester."
"Sulu, quick, we are in dire need of readme.txt!"
"Captain, readme.txt has disappeared without a trace...wait...I have located it. No, this readme.txt belongs to the game 'Lands Of Lore'."
"Captain, the load of the machines is too high. They will blow up in approximate 15 sectors!"
"Sulu, Red Alert."
"Captain, I can´t figure out how to change the background color for the Desktop."
"Bones?"
"I´m a doctor, no instruction manual."
"Hmmm... Sulu, activate the screensaver. Spock, engage for a combat. Ready the HP Laserjet for firing."
"Captain, I have located the screensaver 'Chicago is cool', but I have lost the maneuvering control."
... The U.S.S. Enterprise receives a full hit by an enemy photon torpedo of the IBM-spacecraft. Sparks, arcs, fire. The crew is panicking ...
"Sulu, for heavens sake, do something! This can't be Doom!?"
"Captain, it is Doom. And I´m becoming sick when I see this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games ever - under OS/2, it runs without problems."
"Scotty, for all what it's worth for, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the machines have stalled. We have to do a complete restart."
"Bones?"
"It is dead, Jim."
Windows 95 on the U.S.S. Enterprise
Stardate 1995: Starfleet Command has given the order to the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise to test the new drive system "Windows 95" which is promising a great future.
Here are the last entries from the logbook...
"Sulu, set course for the floppy drive. Scotty, prepare the harddrive for the new "Windows 95". Chekov, keep the installation diskettes ready...we have to do some pretty difficult maneuvering."
"But Captain, do you really want to install the new system? If we integrate the Windows-code in a real 32-bit-multitasking-environment, we are risking a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"This was an order, Scotty!"
"Aye, Captain, but the system is not yet fully tested and needs at least one more Beta-test."
"Scotty, we´re already in it. Chekov, how´s the process going on with the installation diskettes?"
"We have reached Disk 5, Sir."
"Well. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It seems to have a kind of own intelligence. Obviously, Windows 95 is checking the hardware automatically and adapts itself then."
"Spock, can you explain then why it is that the Microsoft soundcard which used to run under Windows 3.1 without problems won´t respond anymore?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it work with a Pro-Audio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Soundblaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I´m a doctor and no hardware specialist."
"Spock, abort the installation of the Microsoft-soundcard, activate the Pro-Audio Spectrum. Chekov, abort the installation of the software. Sulu, restart the system. Reboot!"
"Chekov? "
"We have just reached the Desktop-zone, Sir."
"Captain, it won´t keep on any longer. 15 sectors more, and the machines will blow up!"
"Scotty, we haven´t already started yet."
"Sulu, set Task 1. Send the readme.txt on the Notepad-display."
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait...creat a shortcut for readme.txt and place it on the Desktop-zone, we will navigate there soon."
"Okay, Sir."
"Spock?"
"Obviously, a hardware conflict occured, Sir. The Pro-Audio Spectrum-16 won´t respond - neither the sound nor the SCSI. Strange."
"Deactivate the card, Spock."
"I beg your pardon, Sir. It is not possible to stop the SCSI without deactivating the soundcard. It is also not possible to deactivate the soundcard without stopping the SCSI."
"Captain! An enemy ship approaches!"
"Hmmm, do we have enough time to make the systems running?"
"No, Sir, the ship is already within visible range."
"Uhura? Lieutenant Uhura!"
"All frequencies were already scanned, Sir. I´m trying to get a display, but the system is awful slow."
"Scotty, what happens down there?"
"The machines are running perfectly, Captain, but the 16-bit-GDI-Module can only handle one process after another."
"Spock, do whatever you can do there."
"It seems to be a ship of the IBM-class, Captain...equipped with Warp-drive!"
"Display the ship on the monitor, Chekov."
"Aye, aye, Sir."
"Spock, the enemy ship approaches with high velocity. Audio is required."
"Negative, Captain. Can´t locate the directory."
"Bones?"
"I´m a doctor, no beta-tester."
"Sulu, quick, we are in dire need of readme.txt!"
"Captain, readme.txt has disappeared without a trace...wait...I have located it. No, this readme.txt belongs to the game 'Lands Of Lore'."
"Captain, the load of the machines is too high. They will blow up in approximate 15 sectors!"
"Sulu, Red Alert."
"Captain, I can´t figure out how to change the background color for the Desktop."
"Bones?"
"I´m a doctor, no instruction manual."
"Hmmm... Sulu, activate the screensaver. Spock, engage for a combat. Ready the HP Laserjet for firing."
"Captain, I have located the screensaver 'Chicago is cool', but I have lost the maneuvering control."
... The U.S.S. Enterprise receives a full hit by an enemy photon torpedo of the IBM-spacecraft. Sparks, arcs, fire. The crew is panicking ...
"Sulu, for heavens sake, do something! This can't be Doom!?"
"Captain, it is Doom. And I´m becoming sick when I see this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games ever - under OS/2, it runs without problems."
"Scotty, for all what it's worth for, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the machines have stalled. We have to do a complete restart."
"Bones?"
"It is dead, Jim."