Val mentioned I should post one of my poems in here to have it disected. Here's one........Tell me what ya think. :D If this goes well I'll post more. :p

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So cold I lay in my heaven so deep
With the worms that feed and the rats that squeak
I feel free from my pain since it can no longer hurt my body
No happiness either I feel as I lay in my lot
My lot that they reserved for me, my ancestors I never knew

Quietly I dwell on the pain I once felt
Carefully I sew the holes it made
Quickly I mended them

So aweful the memories now past
How dreadful the thought still in my head
That same thought that was my last
This very same thought which was my last, the exact one that killed me as I ran
Trying to escape but, never did I find that haven
Till one night in my place and time I had dreamt
Of the day I might be free
Free to feel and free to live
Without the pain that holds me down.

Wow, Ted! I really like this poem! Does it have a title? I really like the second stanza, it flows pretty well. Also you have really good imagery. Great job! :D

hehe thank you. :D It's called "As I lay in my heaven". :)

I'm gonna take a flying leap, Ted, and say I think it's about death. ;) lol

Or, (another stretch ;)) maybe it's not so much about death as it is closing oneself off from a painful memory, a painful past. Closing your heart off to feeling for others because of how you were wounded in the past.

I hope that didn't sound too stupid to everyone! lol

Close angel, very close. :D


It's about how calm it is after trouble is past, and now that everything is over there's nothing more...........happiness or pain. The end, being death, not nessicarily ( I can't spell for crap) death of the body, more like of the mind, soul, etc;. Or even the death of pain or the end of some troublesome thought. It's really a hopeful poem, about a problem being over. :D Even if it seems morbid. lol

Ted, I agree. It's slightly morbid and graphic, ie: the worms part :P. But the end of the poem is open ended, letting the reader imagine what will happen in the future. I wouldn't say it's optimistic though, because it is, in my opinion, a very dark and sad poem. Each time I reread it I get something different out of it.

Originally posted by Christine
Ted, I agree. It's slightly morbid and graphic, ie: the worms part :P. But the end of the poem is open ended, letting the reader imagine what will happen in the future. I wouldn't say it's optimistic though, because it is, in my opinion, a very dark and sad poem. Each time I reread it I get something different out of it.

I put the open end part because, it's not the "end" it's only the beginning in a sense. This person may be dead but he still exists to look back on his life.

The end is the most wonderful gift God has given man, becuase in the end you have experienced life, God's most precious gift. :) I like this one because it means more than one thing depending on how you look at it. Some see it as a happy poem of a new life or a calm state after pain and others see it as a dark and sad poem. I LOVE the fact that it can be taken either way, I really lik hearing people's different opinions on it. :D:D:D

Also, I wrote a new version, to me I think it's a bit better, I fixed some things in it.

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So cold I lay in my heaven so deep
With the worms that feed and the rats that squeak
I feel freed from my pain as it no longer hurts my body
No happiness either I feel as I lay in my lot
My lot that they reserved for me, my ancestors I never knew

Quietly I dwell on the pain I once had felt
Carefully I sew the holes it made
Quickly I mend them
Sorrowful I mourn the lost gift I had

The only thing that is truly good
My only need
My blood

So aweful the memories now past
How dreadful the thought still in my head
That same thought which was my last
This very same thought that is my torture, misery and pain

How hopeless I felt without a guide
Till one night in my place and time I had dreamt
Of the day I might be free
Free to feel and free to live
Without the pain that holds me down.