Pagan
12-23-04, 11:31 AM
...courtesy of the greatest Christmas movie ever made (IMHO) "Christmas Vacation"....
***********
Russ: "Dad, didn't they invent christmas tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole saturday?"
Clark: "They invented them Russ because people forgot how to have a fun old fashioned family christmas, and are satisfied with scronny, dead, overpriced trees that have no special meaning."
Audrey: "My toes are numb."
Clark: "You see kids, this is what our four fathers did."
Audrey: "I can't feel my leg."
Clark: "They walked out into the woods, they picked out that special tree and they cut it down with their bare hands."
Audrey: "Mom, I can't feel my hips!"
Ellen: "Clark."
Clark: "Yes honey?"
Ellen: "Audrey's frozen frm the waste down."
Clark: "Ah, it's all part of the experience honey."
********************
Clark: "The Griswold family christmas tree."
Ellen: "Isn't it a little big?"
Clark: "It's not big. It's just full."
Russ: "Dad, that thing wouldn,t fit in our yard."
Clark: "It's not going in our yard Russ. It's going in our living room."
********************
Audrey: "Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?"
Ellen: "Audrey!"
Audrey: "Well, can we at least forbid them to answer the phone? Alexander called this morning and Grandpa Clark told him I couldn't come to the phone because was going to the bathroom."
Ellen: "We're all making sacrifices Audrey."
Audrey: "Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is Mom?"
Ellen: "Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic."
Audrey: "I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right next to him."
Ellen: "Well, I don't know what to say except, it's Christmas and, we're all in misery."
********************
Eddie: "If you don't remember, this here's Rocky."
Art: "Have you got a kiss for me?"
Eddie: "You better take a rain check on that Art. He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet."
********************
Cathrine: "We were going to call. But, Eddie wanted to make it a surprise."
Eddie: "Yeah, you surprised?"
Clark: "Surprised Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now."
********************
Eddie: "Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. And, the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career."
Clark: "College?"
Eddie: "Carnival."
Clark: "You got to be proud."
Eddie: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, He'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak woman. You ever see her?"
Clark: "No."
Eddie: "She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And, a hell of a good cook."
********************
Clark: "Can I refil your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere? Leave you for dead?"
********************
Eddie: "Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?"
Clark: "Ah! How could I forget?"
Eddie: "I had to have it replaced, because everytime Cathrine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about a half-hour or so. So, over at the VA, they had to replace it with a plastic one. It ain't as strong. So, I don't know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic."
Clark: "You really think it matters Eddie?"
Eddie: "Well, see the plate runs right underneath the part here. See, over here, nothing. But, here if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't going to look right."
********************
Ruby Sue: "Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here."
Clark: "Nervous or excited?"
Ruby Sue: "Shittin' bricks."
Clark: "You shouldn't use that word."
Ruby Sue: "Sorry, shittin' rocks."
********************
Ellen: "What are you looking at?"
Clark: "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn. The clean cool chill of the holiday air. And an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."
Eddie: "Shitter was full!"
Clark: "Ah, yeah! You checked our shitters honey?"
Ellen: "Clark please, he doesn't know any better."
********************
Clark: "Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of grace."
Ellen: "Great."
Aunt Bethany: "What dear?"
Nora: "Grace!"
Aunt Bethany: "Grace? She passed away 30 years ago."
********************
Clark: "If this isn't the biggest bag over the head, punch in the face I ever got. God damnit!"
Clark Sr.: "Son."
Clark: "(tears up the Jelly of the month club membership and drinks some egg nog.) That's good. That's good. That's good. Hey, if any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And, I want to look him strait in the eye and tell him: what a cheap, lyiny, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
************************
Clark: "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're going to press on, and we're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny F*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house!!!"
Art: "You're Goofy."
Clark: "Don't piss me off Art."
Ellen: "Clark? It's over."
Clark: "Not according to Santa's watch it isn't."
Clark Sr.: "Clark now, come on son."
Clark: "Stay out of this Dad."
Ellen: "Clark, I think it's best if everyone just goes home, before things get worse."
Clark: "WORSE? How could they get any worse? Take a look around you Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!"
********************
:laugh::lol::laugh:
MERRYCHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
***********
Russ: "Dad, didn't they invent christmas tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole saturday?"
Clark: "They invented them Russ because people forgot how to have a fun old fashioned family christmas, and are satisfied with scronny, dead, overpriced trees that have no special meaning."
Audrey: "My toes are numb."
Clark: "You see kids, this is what our four fathers did."
Audrey: "I can't feel my leg."
Clark: "They walked out into the woods, they picked out that special tree and they cut it down with their bare hands."
Audrey: "Mom, I can't feel my hips!"
Ellen: "Clark."
Clark: "Yes honey?"
Ellen: "Audrey's frozen frm the waste down."
Clark: "Ah, it's all part of the experience honey."
********************
Clark: "The Griswold family christmas tree."
Ellen: "Isn't it a little big?"
Clark: "It's not big. It's just full."
Russ: "Dad, that thing wouldn,t fit in our yard."
Clark: "It's not going in our yard Russ. It's going in our living room."
********************
Audrey: "Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?"
Ellen: "Audrey!"
Audrey: "Well, can we at least forbid them to answer the phone? Alexander called this morning and Grandpa Clark told him I couldn't come to the phone because was going to the bathroom."
Ellen: "We're all making sacrifices Audrey."
Audrey: "Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is Mom?"
Ellen: "Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic."
Audrey: "I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right next to him."
Ellen: "Well, I don't know what to say except, it's Christmas and, we're all in misery."
********************
Eddie: "If you don't remember, this here's Rocky."
Art: "Have you got a kiss for me?"
Eddie: "You better take a rain check on that Art. He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet."
********************
Cathrine: "We were going to call. But, Eddie wanted to make it a surprise."
Eddie: "Yeah, you surprised?"
Clark: "Surprised Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now."
********************
Eddie: "Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. And, the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career."
Clark: "College?"
Eddie: "Carnival."
Clark: "You got to be proud."
Eddie: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, He'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak woman. You ever see her?"
Clark: "No."
Eddie: "She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And, a hell of a good cook."
********************
Clark: "Can I refil your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere? Leave you for dead?"
********************
Eddie: "Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?"
Clark: "Ah! How could I forget?"
Eddie: "I had to have it replaced, because everytime Cathrine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about a half-hour or so. So, over at the VA, they had to replace it with a plastic one. It ain't as strong. So, I don't know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic."
Clark: "You really think it matters Eddie?"
Eddie: "Well, see the plate runs right underneath the part here. See, over here, nothing. But, here if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't going to look right."
********************
Ruby Sue: "Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here."
Clark: "Nervous or excited?"
Ruby Sue: "Shittin' bricks."
Clark: "You shouldn't use that word."
Ruby Sue: "Sorry, shittin' rocks."
********************
Ellen: "What are you looking at?"
Clark: "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn. The clean cool chill of the holiday air. And an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."
Eddie: "Shitter was full!"
Clark: "Ah, yeah! You checked our shitters honey?"
Ellen: "Clark please, he doesn't know any better."
********************
Clark: "Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of grace."
Ellen: "Great."
Aunt Bethany: "What dear?"
Nora: "Grace!"
Aunt Bethany: "Grace? She passed away 30 years ago."
********************
Clark: "If this isn't the biggest bag over the head, punch in the face I ever got. God damnit!"
Clark Sr.: "Son."
Clark: "(tears up the Jelly of the month club membership and drinks some egg nog.) That's good. That's good. That's good. Hey, if any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And, I want to look him strait in the eye and tell him: what a cheap, lyiny, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
************************
Clark: "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're going to press on, and we're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny F*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house!!!"
Art: "You're Goofy."
Clark: "Don't piss me off Art."
Ellen: "Clark? It's over."
Clark: "Not according to Santa's watch it isn't."
Clark Sr.: "Clark now, come on son."
Clark: "Stay out of this Dad."
Ellen: "Clark, I think it's best if everyone just goes home, before things get worse."
Clark: "WORSE? How could they get any worse? Take a look around you Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!"
********************
:laugh::lol::laugh:
MERRYCHRISTMAS EVERYONE!