As many of you probably know, my hubby and I made the choice not to have human children. It wasn't a choice we made lightly. We were and ARE so committed to this choice that I had sugery to make sure that we wouldn't have children.

Well, we went to Maine this weekend to visit the neice that I am always speaking about. She and her mom needed a few things so we brought them to her. We were hungry when we arrived and we all went out to Friendly's.

After lunch, Grammy took our neice to a store because "Shawna" wanted to speak to us out of the earshot of "Jenny".

We sat in the car and talked. "Shawna" said that she knows that we decided not to have children and she respects that, but that we are the most stable couple she knows, and we understand "Jenny"'s particular needs and that we are really good with her. She asked us if we would take "Jenny" if she should ever die.

I firmly believe that my husband and I are so happy in no small part because we don't have kids.

We have a HUGE decision to make here and I just don't know what to do.

Shawna's choices here are as follows:

A sister who is just shy of fifty and who can barely walk because of a back problem

Another sister who is just shy of fifty who has heart problems and an a$$hole husband

Another sister who is almost forty, morbidly obese, with a felon son and violent daughter living with her at home

Another brother who is in his forties who goes through women like he goes through underwear

A seventy three year old diabetic mother who is almost blind

Her dear darling wonderful focking no good ex husband (whom I will shoot through the head before he lays a finger on that kid)

Letting Jenny go to the State for placement

We have to give her an answer.

My point is this:

I love Jenny. I spend a lot of time, money and effort to make sure that she gets what mom can't afford so that between us and Shawna, Jenny always has enough of what she needs. But, this doesn't impact us like constantly caring for a child would. My hubby and I are stable because we don't have kids. What good would we be to her if we broke up when we took her in?

There is so much to consider here and I just don't know what to tell her.

Okay, first of all, how old is Jenny? And, how likely is it that Shawna would die before Jenny is of legal age?

It doesn't sound as if Shawna has much of a choice in where to place Jenny and she's trying to get her ducks all in a row so to speak.

As a parent, I can definitely say that once you've made the choice and put it in writing, a huge weight is lifted. It's very hard for us to think that someday our children may have to be taken in by someone else. That Shawna asked you and your husband is a credit to her and to you.

This is not an easy decision to make, and it will take a lot of meditation and discussion between you and your husband. But in the end, you must make a decision that you can live with. If you absolutely feel like you would be doing Jenny a disservice, then, by all means, do not take her in.

Jenny is 8, Shawna is 34. It's not at all likely that Shawna will die, I know, but there is always a possibility of that.

I completely understand where she is coming from. She is being a good parent by doing this.

She has a life insurance policy on herself that is significant (not huge, but a pretty good amount of money) and she is afraid that others in the family would blow it all on stupid crap rather than using it to take care of Jenny. That is another of many concerns she expressed to us. I could give two schitts about the money myself, it can't replace a mom and Shawna knows that's how I feel

Brandy, this is such a hard position for your to be in.:( And a hard position for Shawna to be in too. I give her a lot of credit for thinking about and preparing for the unthinkable. You are definitely her only possible choice to ask, given her other options.

You definitely love Jenny and want the best for her. If she lost her mother, think of how she'd feel put to grow up in the other possible scenarios. She's just a little girl and needs to know that she is loved and have as much stability as possible. When something tragic happens to someone so young, like losing your only real parent, she needs as little additional trauma as possible. I'm sure this is why Shawna is asking you.

Originally posted by BrandyBlue
My hubby and I are stable because we don't have kids. What good would we be to her if we broke up when we took her in?

Do you really think that you and your hubby would become unstable if you did have to care for a child? From what you post about your relationship, you two seem very happy and committed to each other. I know having a child thrown into your mix is not what you have planned, but if *God forbid* it did happen, I don't think it would be the end of your relationship, do you? It is really going to be up to whatever you and your husband feel you can deal with and will be comfortable with. But if you think it would be detrimental in any way to Jenny to have her with you, please don't accept.

Hopefully Shawna lives many many more years and you will never need to deal with this in reality.:)

I hope so too, that's what is best for Jenny. It's just that I don't want to say "yes" to something that I may have to live up to if I am not prepared to do it.

I know too that Shawna will not be without a mate forever--she thinks she will be (she's seen a few guys but felt as though they wouldn't be right for Jenny)but I know it won't be so. Even then, tho, will he take care of Jenny?

This is a huge Gordian knot.

Wow Brandy...I couldn't even begin to give you any advice on this. This is indeed a tough spot to be in.

Originally posted by Pagan
Wow Brandy...I couldn't even begin to give you any advice on this. This is indeed a tough spot to be in.

I know you know exactly where I'm coming from here, tho, Pagan. I feel like such a damned ogre for having to think about this. This is a heavy commitment, and the answer that we give her means that we either hurt her feelings or we take on another human life after deciding that we didn't want to have to do that. The Hell of it is, we both love this kid so much. Jenny calls my husband her "favorite man" and she clings to both of us when we visit.

Well, if something did happen, regardless, you'd still do things for her, care for her, etc. The only thing different is she isn't living in your house. Looks to me like you're the only stable couple your niece has and you're the only couple your sister thinks highly of.

Already you're listing how bad the other couples are. Take a good look at why you don't want to raise kids and why you don't want to help raise your niece if anything should happen.

It's not that I am saying the others are bad people, except for one of them that I don't trust at all around Jenny. It's just that will they be right for raising her? I don't want to slag anyone, I'm just putting it the way that Shawna put it to us. Seeing stuff from a mom's point of view is sobering

Well, if you have no other alternative, then you would almost have to take her in. however, odds are the mom will live another ten years, making the daughter 18, and able to be placed in a group home to care for her. However, this is a tough decision. I have great sympathy for you if you have to make this choice.

That's just it--I don't want to see that poor little girl (I will always see her as a little girl) have to go to a group home, she's been through enough, even at 18. We will always be here for her, but whether or not we are prepared to raise her is another thing.

Brandy, It seems to me that you and your husband are putting more pressure on yourselves by thinking about this so much.
You say you may not prepared to take of Jenny. To me, you sound like many young married couples who are about to have a child and are nervous about whether they will be good parents to the child. A lot of new parents go through those thoughts.

Appearantly, your sister has a lot of faith in you and your husband that you would be able to take care of Jenny should anything happen to her. She must see something in you two that you don't.
New parents have no idea if their bringing up their children right, they can only do the best they know how. Chances are that Shawna will live long enough for Jenny to be out on her own, but should the unthinkable happen, you also have to have faith in yourselves that you can bring Jenny up the best possible way you can. You and your husband may find that by bringing Jenny into your lives, your relationship could grow even stronger with a child that you love and care for like she does you. Children have a way of bringing out feelings and strengths in us that we never knew we could possess.

Look at it this way.... If you decided not to agree to being Jenny's guardians and her mother died, and Jenny was placed by the state, how would you feel then. Could you live with that decision?
You love and care for Jenny. Will the state be able to give her that? Will she live a normal life in someone's home that she doesn't know at all?

Your decision shouldn't be about whether you are prepared to take care of this child, but whether you can live with the choice after you've made it, of which may never even happen.

I've been a parent, and we've lived through those fears of whether we could be good parents, and bring our children up right. Our children grew up to become fine young adults. We didn't have a secret recipe, we just did the best that we could, and hoped we did it right. No, it's not always easy, but if your capable of giving love, caring, compassion, and understanding, your more prepared than you think.

Good luck, :rose: