Not Man
5-01-00, 10:07 PM
Mall Metal (or "Nu-Metal" if you're lame)
I hate Mall Metal. What is mall metal, you ask? I figure I could best explain this the way that Wal-Mart Shopper icon Jeff Foxworthy explains to laymen the essence of Redneck. So, with no further ado, here goes:
You might be a Mall Metal fan if:
-Your hair is dyed a color that doesn't appear naturally in humans.
-"Suck" and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
-You think ICP is funny.
-You think Korn is a metal band.
-When you write or type words, you do it LiKe tHiS because you think it looks
ReAlLy KeWeL.
-You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison.
-You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G Warrior you
just get a confused look on your face.
-You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being
hardcore.
-You make fun of 80s glam rock, but have no problems with the hair or dress of Wayne Static and Coal Chamber.
-You look ugly on purpose.
-You call people ****.
-You think that Slipknot is the heaviest band out there.
-You assume that if someone doesn't like Deftones, they must listen to "pussy
stuff like Hanson".
-You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands.
-You claim to like heavy metal, yet think that My Dying Bride must be one of
those old low-budget flicks from the 60s.
-You own a Dr Suess hat.
-You're really into "hardcore" but CBGB's doesn't ring a bell.
-You bash Mushroomhead for "stealing" Slipknot's look (or vice versa) even though BOTH bands clearly stole their look from Mr. Bungle...or Devo.
-You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson.
-You associate "industrial" with NIN and Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and
Foetus.
-You have a tribal tatto.
-You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you!
-You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image.
-You say things like "Korn rules and always will! If you don't like them, you
suck!" (with more grammatical and spelling errors, of course)
-You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music".
-You think the cops probably want to steal your pot.
-Your music collection consists of less than 100 CDs/cassettes/whatever, yet
most or all of these names appear: Korn, Deftones, Limp Bizkit, Fear
Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly,
Pantera, Sevendust, and Static-X.
-You like some rap music.
-You can say "rap sucks" but openly profess love for Limp Bizkit and POD, and with a straight face, no less.
-You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida speed metal
band by the same name that was much cooler.
-You still live with your parents.
-You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in
January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not
seem to deter you.
-You know who Fred Durst is.
-You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves
want to be disassociated with the genre.
-You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one
anarchy symbol, one alien, and one of the bands listed on this page.
-You think death metal is Satanic.
-You consider Limp Bizkit "sellouts" (as if they were ever underground!).
-You think that by dressing and looking and talking like every other Mall
Metal simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your
uniqueness.
-You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album.
-You think the last Slayer disc is their best ever!
-You think that Metallica sucks, but don't feel betrayed by them.
-You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers - Reload rocks!!
-You consider the black album "old Metallica".
-You think that Roadrunner is an underground label.
-Best Buy meets all of your music needs.
-You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure"
bands as SOAD, Snot, Ultraspank, and Kilgore at Ozzfest 98.
-You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed and Vision Of Disorder.
-You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers Ball" - sitting through 2
hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Aerosmith to
see a Kreator video.
-You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars.
-You say you hate the government yet can't name more than 5 people who
actually work in the government. And one of those people is your aunt Irene
that works at the DMV.
-You don't find this amusing in the slightest.
-When someone says "hardcore" you think of Drain STH instead of Agnostic
Front.
-You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap.
------------------
C-YA
<IMG SRC="http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Birdland/4870/pent_12_.gif" border=0>
I hate Mall Metal. What is mall metal, you ask? I figure I could best explain this the way that Wal-Mart Shopper icon Jeff Foxworthy explains to laymen the essence of Redneck. So, with no further ado, here goes:
You might be a Mall Metal fan if:
-Your hair is dyed a color that doesn't appear naturally in humans.
-"Suck" and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
-You think ICP is funny.
-You think Korn is a metal band.
-When you write or type words, you do it LiKe tHiS because you think it looks
ReAlLy KeWeL.
-You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison.
-You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G Warrior you
just get a confused look on your face.
-You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being
hardcore.
-You make fun of 80s glam rock, but have no problems with the hair or dress of Wayne Static and Coal Chamber.
-You look ugly on purpose.
-You call people ****.
-You think that Slipknot is the heaviest band out there.
-You assume that if someone doesn't like Deftones, they must listen to "pussy
stuff like Hanson".
-You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands.
-You claim to like heavy metal, yet think that My Dying Bride must be one of
those old low-budget flicks from the 60s.
-You own a Dr Suess hat.
-You're really into "hardcore" but CBGB's doesn't ring a bell.
-You bash Mushroomhead for "stealing" Slipknot's look (or vice versa) even though BOTH bands clearly stole their look from Mr. Bungle...or Devo.
-You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson.
-You associate "industrial" with NIN and Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and
Foetus.
-You have a tribal tatto.
-You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you!
-You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image.
-You say things like "Korn rules and always will! If you don't like them, you
suck!" (with more grammatical and spelling errors, of course)
-You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music".
-You think the cops probably want to steal your pot.
-Your music collection consists of less than 100 CDs/cassettes/whatever, yet
most or all of these names appear: Korn, Deftones, Limp Bizkit, Fear
Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly,
Pantera, Sevendust, and Static-X.
-You like some rap music.
-You can say "rap sucks" but openly profess love for Limp Bizkit and POD, and with a straight face, no less.
-You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida speed metal
band by the same name that was much cooler.
-You still live with your parents.
-You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in
January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not
seem to deter you.
-You know who Fred Durst is.
-You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves
want to be disassociated with the genre.
-You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one
anarchy symbol, one alien, and one of the bands listed on this page.
-You think death metal is Satanic.
-You consider Limp Bizkit "sellouts" (as if they were ever underground!).
-You think that by dressing and looking and talking like every other Mall
Metal simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your
uniqueness.
-You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album.
-You think the last Slayer disc is their best ever!
-You think that Metallica sucks, but don't feel betrayed by them.
-You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers - Reload rocks!!
-You consider the black album "old Metallica".
-You think that Roadrunner is an underground label.
-Best Buy meets all of your music needs.
-You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure"
bands as SOAD, Snot, Ultraspank, and Kilgore at Ozzfest 98.
-You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed and Vision Of Disorder.
-You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers Ball" - sitting through 2
hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Aerosmith to
see a Kreator video.
-You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars.
-You say you hate the government yet can't name more than 5 people who
actually work in the government. And one of those people is your aunt Irene
that works at the DMV.
-You don't find this amusing in the slightest.
-When someone says "hardcore" you think of Drain STH instead of Agnostic
Front.
-You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap.
------------------
C-YA
<IMG SRC="http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Birdland/4870/pent_12_.gif" border=0>