Need some advice on something. My father called me on my birthday and left me a message with his phone number. I can't decide if I shoulld call him back or not. This is the first time I've heard from him in 3 years. We're not very close anymore as a result of things in the past. In 20 years I've only seen him once ans that was a trip my mom paid for. Then he disappeared for 8 years. Not sure if I can give him another chance. Beem hurt so much by him in the past. Any thoughts on how I should handle this???? Anything would be helpful right now. Has brought me really down right now. I need to get past this. Thanks.

Wow Jazzmyn that's not an easy decision to make, all I can do is tell you my story & hope it helps you out <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

My dad was a crappie father also, I was lucky if I seen him once a year after I got married. Long story short he was an alcoholic and when he remarried it was to another alcoholic, he moved to North Carolina and I had no contact with him for 5 years then 2 years ago he went into the hospital for an operation and it turned out he had a ton of health problems, the operation put him on his death bed... I was asked if I wanted to talk to him on the phone when my stepmother called my brothers house a week before he died but he didn't want to talk to me for some reason... Well, to say the least that hurt....... Then I received a message that he wanted me to call him, I thought he was getting better and I was a little pissed about him not wanting to talk to me so I didn't call him back, Two days later he died... No matter how much I hated him for the crap he put me through I felt really bad because I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to him.

Jazz I haven't talked to or seen my dad in about 3 yrs myself. He pretty much has his own life and it does not include his kids.
I have accepted this as his loss. If he ever left a number for me to call I think I would return his call.


As long as you keep an open mind and don't expect to much I don't think you will regret talking to him. You may regret NOT talking to him, in the event that something drastic happens.

In this life we are not guaranteed the next 20 min. Maybe that's his way of saying sorry?? Its always harder to love the ones we love. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">
I truly hope you are ok <img src="smile.gif" border="0"> I don't like it when my friends here are sad or upset. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

Lots of {{{{HUGS}}}} for Jazz.

<FONT COLOR="#6699cc" SIZE="1">[ July 18, 2001 07:45 PM: Message edited by: topcat1970 ]</font>

Jazz.. I think Topcat's advice was right on the mark! And it was the point that Blazi was making too...

Not expecting too much is the key... I think if he left his number.. you should give it a try.. after all, just because he is being a shit doesn't mean you have to be... maybe you are better than that and are smarter than he has been.
Maybe he can learn something from you and something good can come out of this.

I sure hope so, Jazzy!! I love ya, sweetie!!

Let us know what you decide to do!

Granted he hurt you in the past, but maybe he has changed. You won't know until you at least give it a try. As others have said don't go in expecting to much. <img src="smile.gif" border="0"> After all he is your father one of two people that gave you life. If had the chance to see my father again I would, but I can't. <img src="frown.gif" border="0">

Good luck with your decision Jazz <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

Thanks for all ther input. I'll give it some thought and let you know when I decide. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

Keep us posted Jazz and Good Luck! <img src="biggrin.gif" border="0">

Jazz, I tried many times to reach out to my egg donor. Sometimes, they don't want to be reached. Your dad might have decided that he has been an ass and wants to be better to you. If he didn't, you will know you tried and can move on. If he did, you could have a great friendship with him now. Hope that helps. {{{HUGS}}} to my cyber sis!! <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

I'm with Not Man, if I could talk with my dad I would. We were up late one night talking. We had a little disagreement, nothing major. The next morning I found him in the bathroom. He had had a heartattack. I never had a chance to apologize or talk it out or anything. Don't wait until something drastic happens and then have to live with the regret of not calling him. As hard as it might be, please call him. I believe you will feel better, regardless of the outcome of the call. We're here for ya Jazzy!

Yep! Not Man and Annual Mayhem make sense. Furtunately my Father and I were very close (best friends). <img src="smile.gif" border="0"> Even though with that being the case, there are things that I wish I had said, that I didn't. It's to late for me and a few others.

Look into your heart, Jazz, and make that decision for yourself. I would just hate for you to have to live with the regrets that I am.

Whatever you decide, you'll always have your friends here for support. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

Jazz, I didnt speak to my mother for 2 years. When her mom passed away this January, I went down for the funeral, and she appologized for everything she had ever done to me, and told me she didnt want me to hate her the way she hated her mother. I never did hate her, I just didnt have much use for her. Perhaps something has happened in his life that had given him an "awakening" so to speak. Just her him out, and if it turns out not to be pleasant, just end the conversation and thank him for keeping in touch.

Jazzmyn, I'd say use your intuition on this. Maybe he's trying to start over. (i know, kids needed their fathers more then, but you never know..<img src="smile.gif" border="0"> If his voice sounded sincere, like he really wants to reach out to you; and not for the obligatory phone call, then I'd say go for it!
Times are changing, and people are changing a lot these days, I think.

This is not really an advice or anything to Jazzmyn. It's a difficult situation and we all react differenly even though we're in the same situations.

As you can see from the many nice and sad answers - one thing is for sure: the good thing about problems is that there's enough of them for all of us. <img src="wink.gif" border="0">

I think we as human beings spend too much time focusing on the negatives in our lives. I know it is easier said than done, but sometimes we need to let the past go and live our lives today.

We all need time to recover from incidents, accidents and whatever problems we have. I just feel it is important to focus on positives even in tough situations. It makes a person stronger and gives the soul some comfort from inside. There are different ways to reach that state of mind. My own private way is to live my life from one standpoint: "People can only ruin my day if I let them". It is very simple and very hard to do at the same time.

I guess what I am trying to say here is: we all need parents for love, understanding, inspiration and other needs. But sometimes we will have to find these things in other people than our parents. It does not make our lives worse. A close friend can be as good as a parent if we let them. In the end, the sun will rise again tomorrow and we never know what the new day will bring.

Good luck on your decision and future relationship with your father.

-Mike

Jazz... I wish I'd seen this before now... I would have responded sooner.

I think it's your decision whether to have contact with your father. You are both adults, and both have the ability to choose whether you want a relationship. I like what Flixfan said about finding love and support in friends and other family, when your biological parents are not up to it.

I haven't seen my dad or spoken to him in 7 years. My parents were divorced when I was two, and they were always pulling me back and forth, trashing each other in front of me, etc. Until I was 17, I got along pretty well with Dad, considering. We visited 3 or 4 times a year, and we talked on the phone a lot.

Then, while we were packing to move to a new house, I found my parents' divorce papers. I had had no idea that my parents divorced because my dad was beating my mom. He was supposed to have supervised visitation and never take me out of state. I was scared and furious and sad. All the offhand comments my mom's relatives made about Dad came clear. (about his violent streak and his depressive personality)

It all came to a head when I was eighteen, and Dad decided he wasn't going to help me pay for college if I didn't go to a certain engineering school. (I had no interest in engineering whatsoever! At the time, I wanted to be a high school Spanish teacher) I said I'd go where I wanted to go. He then refused to sign any of the papers for college, saying he was the non-custodial parent and he wasn't going to contribute. (yes, they have a paper for that) I wound up in tears in the guidance office Many times that year... finally had to ask my guidance counselor to call the college and explain the whole thing because I just couldn't.

I wasn't at all upset about the money-- Dad was out of work at the time, and I knew he couldn't afford it. I was really upset because of those damn divorce papers, which I wish I'd never found. I haven't been comfortable around him since I found out why my parents divorced... not that I'm afraid he'll hurt me, not at all, he never even spanked me when I was a kid, (sometimes I would throw the last 8 years down the toilet for the chance to be Daddy's little princess again, which I was at least until I was 17) but I was extremely angry that he hurt my mother. She raised me mostly by herself, and has incredible strength.

I do still love my dad, despite everything, and I know he must love me too. My parents were just trying to do the best for me that they could-- they made mistakes, of course, but mostly they did a pretty good job raising me. When they got divorced, they were both younger than I am now.

I've often thought about calling or writing, but every time I try, I can't make myself go through with it. (Yes, my therapist and I have discussed this in depth... LOL) I want us to have some kind of relationship someday. I don't want my kids to grow up wondering where their Grampy is. (My mom's boyfriend will probably be the best grandfather ever, but you know what I mean)

I don't know if all this will help, Jazz. Please keep talking about it if you feel you need to, we will be here for you.

Mary

It is sad that we all have had to go through some of the things we talked about here. And I'm sure that most of us could add to the stories we posted, I know I could. But, I too like to focus on the positive. If the only way I can cling to that is the knowledge that I did try to reach out and take the 'high' road, then that's what I do (or have done). Its taken many years but most in my family have come around.
But, this is a private decision, Jazzmyn. Only you can decide to make that call or not to to make it. Whatever your decision is, we'll be here for you.