I have a question to pose to people who have been married and separated. I guess this question is mainly directed at the person who was the one that decided to get separated. I know that in some/most instances there is usually one person that wants to leave and another who is wiling to stay and work on things.

Here is the question. For the person who left, did you find what you were looking for after leaving or was what you were looking for already there? Or, is there something missing that may never be found? (Any other thoughts besides these would be appreciated also.)

I know this may not be an easy question. I just want to get a few more opinions on this dilemma.

I am a member of the Xchange, I am just hiding my identity at this time for personal reasons.

Thanks!

I left my first husband because he abused my son. I found out I was pregnant with Steff after I left him. My marriage was already in trouble though. We only dated for four months before we got married, and didn't know each other very well. I think I just wanted to be married and have someone to help me raise my son. I know, that's selfish, but I was young.......and stupid. I have very specific reasons for leaving my first husband, and that's basically......survival, for my children, and for me.

I remarried when my daughter was four and am still married to the love of my life. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary last month. He has helped me raise my children and has been wonderful to all of us.

If you are thinking of ending your marriage, please, please, please make sure there is no hope of salvaging it. I have known people who have ended their relationship on a whim and have regretted it.

Good luck. :rose:

You have to work it out .. unless there is abuse then you have to get out. You have to know you have tried everything before you can leave. I left and now I wished I had stayed and worked harder. Now I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life.

Make sure you have tried everything.. get professional help first.

Things get more complicated if you have children. If you don't have any, I'd say, "Go ahead," but if you have children the idea of staying for convenience does not strike me as awful anymore. I've seen a lot of couples do that. Some wait it out until their children are grown and have left the house to decide to call it quits (they have the patience of Job, imo). One thing is for sure, if you have - in the back of your mind, subconsciously - the thought that this person is not the "right one," makes you incomplete or perhaps you think there is someone better out there for you but only keep him/her around as an alternative to being lonely, then marital bliss will be hard - if not impossible - to come by. At any rate, you'll be having to make that final decision sooner or later. Best of luck...

Man, this hits close to home. I was married young, to somebody I should not have married. LONG STORY, anyhow, I was miserable from about year #2 until we seperated (Year #10). I even tried the "have another kid and it might make things better" approach. The thing is this, whether you have kids or not, if you are TRUELY unhappy, no matter what the reason, and you have tried to work it out, no matter what you do, you will not be able to get happy until you are on your own. I know it sounds selfish, but to live with somebody just because it might be painfull to leave them, is the worst thing you can do. I now live 18 hours by car away from my children. That is the ONLY thing I regret about seperating from my EX. I was able to finally be the person I wanted to be, live the life I wanted to live, without having to make myself feel bad about doing something for myself. I have found a person who makes me feel 100 times better than my EX ever did, and she has been able to find happiness as well. Sometimes a split is the best things for all parties involved. My kids are the only reason I stayed so long to begin with, but it wasnt really a healthy environment with me and the EX fighting ALL THE TIME. They seem well adjusted now, and happy and loving. Everybody seems to have benefitted from the seperation.

So, think it over, and if you are truely, in your heart not able to live in the situation you currently are in, then leave. Making somebody change to suit you, or making yourself change to suit somebody else only makes the person who changed feel as if something was wrong with them. Be happy with who you are, and you can make life worth living for yourself.

I personally know that I did everything humanly possible to make my first marriage work. If you are being abused, or your kids are being abused, you should leave, no question. If there is no abuse, leaving or staying is up to you entirely. You can get help either way, but there is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship and get hurt.

Make sure you know that in your heart that you have done everything you possibly can to make it work. Then, if it doesn't work, you at least know that you did your 200% best to resolve it.

If you wish to PM me, I will not reveal who you are and if I can, I will try to help you find ways to get help.

Either way, there is no judgement here--marriage is almost always uphill, God knows my hubby and I have had our share of challenges thrown in our path and I know it's not easy. I hope that you will be able to work this out, because marriage is a huge investment of your heart and it hurts to lose it.

Good luck sweetie, whoever you are.

Thank all of you for your thoughts and comments. I really appreciate you taking your time to help me out with my life. Although, I still have not made a decision, you have given me more of an insight on my final decision.:*

Maybe down the road, after I have decided on what to do, I will let you in on who I am. I know it does not seem as personal to reply to an unregistered user, but I'm sure everyone here understands my reasoning on this.

I will keep you posted when I know more. Until then I wish everyone the best!:D

Thanks again:*

hey girl (oops.. did I let it slip) Good luck on whatever you decide. :rose:

Yes, good luck. :)

*wondering if unregistered has found a solution to his/her problem*

Jen they won't be back here. Guess it does not matter :)

Originally posted by TopCat
Jen they won't be back here. Guess it does not matter :)


oohh you don't have to cover up for me TC , but it was very sweet :)


Yes it was I who was unregistered, and with the help of all of you I gave the bitch the boot, but not before I took all the money out of her bank account, tore up her clothes and got her fired from work. thank you all for your wise advice, I'd never have done it without your wise words of wisdom thankyou





*****incase you didn't know I was J/K :)

:laugh: ROTFLMAO!! :laugh:

:laugh: Cal, you soooo bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn Cal... remind me to never cross you! :lol: Good one!

OMG!!! I was freaking a bit there, Cal!!

Shame on you! :lol:

Help!!!! Im unregistered for a reason. I have a tough delimma for you. You guys are pretty good at answers. I have been with my hubby since I was in 8th grade and now Im 28. We have two children and I have never lived on my own. I know that it is time to divorce. Neither one of us is happy and I don't want my children to be effected. I just have no where to go. I would want to take them with me and have no family in my state. What do you suggest. Keep in mind all of our marital assets are combined and I can't afford an apartment in a split second. Thanks!

Cal that is so bad!

Get out of the marriage. The children will be ok. Explain what is going on. It is worse for the kids to stay married and fight all the time. Much better for them to see their parents happy. I am sure you and your husband can work something out financially. If need be, move out of state. Life is too short. You have to get out of the comfort zone and take a chance. ;) If you are not happy, you can't be a good parent.

Good luck :rose:

I have been through this same thing so I can tell you from experience that you can make it. Where there is a will there is a way.

there are so many reasons for leaving a relationship, whether it's you or them leaving. You may have to get yourself alone long enough to sort yourself out, and listen to your instincts of what do next. People change, and we need to follow our hearts, but that's prob the bottom line for why relationships sometimes don't work. (there's prob someone out there better for you, anyway, even if you can't see it just yet.)
Trust your instincts...there are lots of people looking for roommates if you're broke. It's a ladder, but it's for the best for now. It's also best for children not to see their parents arguing a lot or unhappy together. They are so smart, and know things, even if the parents aren't arguing around them.