Hi everyone. I have recently added something to my sig. I have been on the xchange since Nov. now and feel very close to alot of you. You are my family. Every year..from the beginning of Aug. until around the third week in Oct. I get depressed.

In my signature...I have posted a mem. for my daughter Carrie. She didn't know her father...he was killed in a fire exactly three months before she was born. We were married about 19 months.

She was a bright and happy baby. Then at 21 months...she was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma...a cancer. If you're going to get it..your best chances of survival is if they find it before you are one year of age.

We were in and out of St. Louis children's hospital for nine months. Chemo, raidation, surgeries, meds., blood work each day, blood transfusions, etc...

The news came in July of 1992 that it had spread into her bones..(they couldn't just remove the tumor..it was sort of like the BLOB just in there attatching itself to all of her vital organs). I decided against a solid three weeks of radiation...even with those treatments..the prognosis was not a good one. She was feeling fine, why not let her enjoy her time? My friends and late husband's family strongly supported my decision.

We went to Disney World on a wish trip for a week. The week we came back, she was hooked up to a morphine pump, the nurses started coming to the house to releive me for an hour or two.

Carrie died in my arms on the early morning of Sept. 12, 1992..she wasn't yet 2 1/2 yrs old. We released 100 pink and white balloons at her funeral.

I was telling someone this morning..that I am usually down this time of year...I truly think that all of you on the xchange has helped me alot during these past couple of weeks and I didn't realize what time of year it was.

I'd better close since I don't want to run over the 500,000 word mark (sorry Mods :)) As I said, I don't want sympathy...Carrie gave me the stregth to get through the worst possible time in mine (and her short) life. I was able to love again and have another family. I thank her and all of you.

Wow :(

I'm silent, a rare thing. You have my well wishes, cause I know it still hurts. Just remember that all little girls go to heaven, she's in good arms watching over you.

You are a very special woman, and am glad that you find peace here. This place helps me on a daily basis, God bless.....:)

I almost cried reading this. Every year in this area, a competing radio station holds a marathon to raise money for St Jude's Hospital. Even though I don't work there anymore I make sure I get there to donate money.

For those who don't know St Jude's is a hospital that does MAJOR research on cancer especially for children with cancer.

I can only imagine what you went through in the early 90's and since then. I'm glad to know that you had some time with your daughter, just know that she is watching over you and awaiting the time that you will again be together. God Bless.

You must be an incredibly strong person! I cannot imagine coming through something like that with my sanity intact. You have my prayers and my respect. I hope that God will comfort and strengthen you at this tough time of year.

"But Jesus called the children to him and said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.' "

Thank you all :)

I did want to add a few things too.

Carrie's doctor is at St. Jude's now in the research dept. His name is Dr. Edwin Horwitz (Dr. Ed..the kids on 9west ..the oncology floor loved him because he didn't have much hair either! :))

Because of Carrie and her little friend Danielle, children under 3 can now go on the wish trips also. They were both 2 1/2 and the minimum age was 3.

I'm still in contact with some of the families from 9west...we try to get together at least once a year. In a matter of about 6 months..our families lost about 10 of the children. I also still send a christmas card to the nurse staff on 9 west..and they have sent several to us during the years.

Sarg..in Florida (Sarasota area) there is an organization called HISKIDS & another KIDS BY THE SEA....Jim & Connie Miles run those and I know them personally. Wonderful people.

I honestly did not mean to make any of you feel bad by posting this. It is just something ...a big part of my life..that I wanted to share with all of you...very special people indeed. I don't think I've ever had a friend (off the internet) besides one or two that I could share things with..the way I share here on the xchange.

Your story brought tears to my eyes as well, Jana. I noticed the mention of Carrie Lynn's name in your signature early today. I'm glad that you decided that you could share this with us here, your friends, and it makes me happy to know that you can find comfort and solace. Even though ten years have passed since Carrie Lynn's death, the grief of losing a child remains with a parent always. I know that you draw strength from Carrie's memory as well as the memory of her father. God bless you, Jana! :)

Of coz we will do our best to get you thru these rough months ;)

I had a looooooooong reply here, but decided it was too tacky and deleted it, instead I'll just leave ya a HUUUUUG :)

I am sorry to hear that. That made me cry. Cancer is always a hard thing for anyone to endure especially children. I had noticed your sig a few days ago and was wondering who Carrie was.

I am glad we can make you feel better. I am also glad you are here. You always know if you need someone to talk to, you have me and all of these wonderful people to talk to. :)

Wow, Jana. That is without a doubt the most sincere and heart wrenching post I have ever read on the 80sxchange. I'm so happy that you find us that helpful in dealing with your loss. I'm sure you already know this, but I'll say it anyway. We're always here for you and if you ever need a friend, I am only a PM away. :) God bless!

Jana, you already told me this, and as I said before, I admire your courageous attitude. :) There is nothing harder than saying goodbye to a child, yet you've managed to see the sunlight through the rain. :) {{Hugs}}

DJ, thank you for mentioning St. Jude's. There are usually two fundraisers a year at our local Rite Aid, they sell paper balloons that you can put a name on and they hang it in the store. Even though right now isn't the best time for us financially, I always buy 3 or more balloons. You never know which dollar will be the difference to another day's research.

My niece, Elaine Marie, died when she was 11 days old in 1988. She didn't have cancer, but had severe heart problems. Thank God for Cleveland Children's Hospital and Ronald McDonald House!! :) The Ronald McDonald House has a Pennies for Patients fundraiser at the schools, too.

A dollar or two may not seem like much, but it could make all the difference in the life of a child. :)

Jana,
Thank you so very much for sharing such a personal part of your life with us. My heart goes out to you and your family at this time. I cannot imagine the strength it took for you and your family to deal with this tragedy. God Bless you all! :angel:

Something I would like to mention is every year, schools around the country participate in the St. Jude's Math-A-Thon! This is a fundraiser that directly benefits children's cancer research at St. Jude's Hospital. Parents, please encourage your children to participate every year. It isn't difficult and it's for the greatest of causes.

Val..I feel for your loss also. Maybe Carrie and your little Elaine are playing together right now! :)

Thank you all for your messages. It means alot to me..especially since school is starting soon (she would be going into the 7th grade now) and the 10 year mark is coming up this year.

I always fill out the balloons for the Children's Miracle Network and donate to the McDonald house. We stayed at one several times. I have also organized Bike a thons for St. Judes.

Only at first did she have a hard time with the chemo. After that first round, she tolerated it pretty good. We had to keep a huge container with all of her supplies in it..every morning, I had to "flush" her broviac catheter..she would go get what we needed each morning and set it out for me. When her counts were low, I had to learn to give her Nupogen (sp?) to boost her white counts...it was hard to do at first and she would sit and encourage me, "It's ok Mommy, go ahead.') Then she would grab the syringe and pretend like she was going to stick herself.

She was the tannest kid on the floor at the hospital..we spent endless days at the park. Near the end..she suddenly got this boost of energy and wanted to go to the park one night. We got her dressed and put a pillow in her carseat since she had lost weight. She didn't really play that night..just wanted to walk around. I think she knew it was her last trip to the park.

She wasn't just laying around..she would get up and paint. In fact..up until 12 hours before she left us, she still went into the kitchen to her paint table and painted a picture...with all white paint.

All of these years later...I am very close to my first husband's family. They have welcomed my current husband with arms wide open and visit more with them than we do his own family. :)

Our 2 daughters have always had a "little friend" they have always talked about playing with..even before we even mentioned about their sister. WE KNOW who it is :)

Wow Jana... thanks for sharing that with us... it definitely brought on some tears. http://www.jordysworld.de/emoticons/trau03.gif

A special {{{HUG}}} http://www.jordysworld.de/emoticons/liebe52.giffor you to help you though this time of year. :)

:ghug:

Thank you all once again for the messages and the PM*s (Private Messages..not PMS)

I'm sorry that my posts were long...once I started typing..I couldn't seem to stop.

It's actually good that you make so lenghty posts about this subject .... It's a very healthy way to work with emotionel problems, so keep 'em coming :thumb:

OKay.....I'm now something I never am.....speechless.....

{{{hugz}}} Jana....:(

You know, typing this out is helping me remember things too. Our town's balloon fest is this weekend. Carrie wasn't feeling that great during 1992's fest...but we did take her (with her baseball cap of course) for a little while. While there, I bought her a pretty bracelet with her name spelled out on beads...she is wearing that bracelet. Along with the small bear that plays, "LET ME CALL YOU SWEETHEART". She loved the balloons...she always wanted to "fly with them and touch them"...now she is.

{{hugs Jana}}

Hi Jana.. I'm also glad that you have decided to include her in your sig and to explain who she was... Your reminicsing not only brings up the bad times in her short life, but some of the good times and fond memories that you had with her. Talking certainly helps, I'm sure.. and we are all very tentative listeners!!! ;)

Not only did you have to endure the loss of her, but also your first husband :( You are a very strong woman... I don't know how I would ever deal with something like that.. I guess I'd rely on all of you to help pick me up in times like this! Hugs, Jana!

..actually I feel good sometimes that whatever type of strength I aquired from this, can help some people. I know a girl who was in the middle of a nasty divorce and 9 1/2 months along with their baby, when her 3 yr. old son drowned in a tragic accident. Her mother called and told my mom after the funeral that Angie told her that she knew she would make it because if I could do it, so could she.

I really apprieciate all of you listening..taking the time to read this..I have had a harder time this year, I think, than any other year. I know that it has nothing to do with the 80's (which is what this site is about)...I'll bet that when SAL started this, he had no idea what it would lead to. Most of us becoming very close.

Thank you for sharing your story, Jana. {{HUGS}} It says alot that you feel comfortable enough to share that with us. I cannot imagine how hard it was and is even now for you to have lost Carrie, however I have some insight because I work at St. Jude, so I see parents & kids who are still fighting that fight everyday. (I don't know if I've ever actually mentioned where I work on the Xchange before, the hospital is very serious about privacy). I'm stuck in the lab most times, but when I do get to visit the patients, it always amazes me how happy they are in spite of their illness.
Thank you again for your example of strength and devotion, you are now one of my heroes. You have faced a parent's worst mightmare and come through it. You are an inspiration to all of us.
Since St.Jude was mentioned, I'm going to include the website, so that everyone can see what goes on there and how they can help. It is truly a miraculous place!
St. Jude's Website (www.stjude.org)

:( That is such a sad, but inspiring story Jana. Leaves me quite choked up here. I'm glad you feel like you can share personal things like this with us. I've been able to talk about things with people here that I couldn't do with people I know in "real" life. This is a special, loving place. :)

Jana I read this again, and again I cried at work. You are an amazing woman and believe that Carrie Lynn was just as amazing a little girl. Don't know what to say, but want so badly to say something. GOD bless......Anthony

No mother should experience this pain. I am truely very sorry. If you need to pm me to just rant please go ahead.
I am speechless :(
Sorry

Just an update..received an early phone call this morning. After a 9 yr remission...one of the surviving kids on the floor that we were on has relapsed with her Neuroblastoma. Julia just turned 11...she was a baby when her mother and I met at the hospital.